According to an expert: The best way to say "no" - when there is no other option

We notice it ourselves, psychologists and therapists can confirm it from their experience and surveys, and linguists observe it when they analyze conversations: Many people tend to be reluctant to say "no." Agreeing, confirming, answering with "yes" - we love it. Contradicting and rejecting, on the other hand, costs energy and is unpleasant.

The reasons for this widespread preference for "yes" are varied and which ones are particularly important certainly differ from individual to individual. To be liked, to be comfortable, to make others feel good, insecurity. And many more. The consequence, however, is always the same: we put ourselves in situations that we don't want to be in. And that we shouldn't have been in. Because theoretically we could have said "no".

Now, when it comes to things that are difficult for us, we usually get better at them over time if we practice them - or if we prepare for them. If we think of strategies that make them easier for us. There are several strategies for saying "no". For the American Diane Solomon, the best strategy is to have a certain sentence ready.

This sentence often replaces a no

Diane Solomon holds a master's degree in nursing science from Yale and a doctorate from Oregon Health & Sciences University. She has run a practice as a therapist for several years and has shared her knowledge and experience in American media. In a blog entry for the online portal "Psychology today" she writes about her personal favorite method that makes saying "no" easier, namely the rehearsed answer:

• "I would like to, but I can't."

"Would you like to come for a nightcap?" - "I'd love to, but I can't." "Can you pick up my coat from the dry cleaners, please?" - "I'd love to, but I can't." "Can you make the presentation by tomorrow morning?" - "I'd love to, but I can't." In such contexts, the answer seems a lot more doable than a clear no.

What we get out of it – and what we don’t

A makeshift answer like the one Diane Solomon suggests may help us to communicate our limits and thus perhaps stand up for them more often. It can make our lives easier and be useful to us. What it cannot do, however, is make us recognize our limits and take them seriously. It cannot take away our fear of being rejected if we do not say "yes" or do not please others. It is a crutch that can help us walk, but will not heal our broken ankle. And what we also ignore when we resort to an easier no alternative, even though it can often offer a very enriching insight: that there is usually not just no or yes, but a lot in between.

Sources used: psychologytoday.com

sus Brigitte

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